Back in the days of my early education, our teacher said, "Okay, students, today we are going to take an Eye Que test." My immediate response was, "Oh, crud! Just what I needed; another test!"
As I studied it in my mind, though, I thought, "Hey! Wait a sec! Finally they come up with a test that I might be able to pass. After all, my eyesight is as good as anyone's; maybe better'n some."
My excitement was short lived, however, for it soon became apparent that the test had nothing to do with my eyes but what lay between 'em. It was "I Q", and stood for intelligence quotient. "Just my luck," I thought. "Geography, history, math, science, language, reading, and spelling ain't enough for 'em, they gotta find somethin' else to test me about! It just ain't fair!"
Well, I took the test, and batted a thousand as usual. I failed it, too. At least, I guess I failed it for I never saw a grade and the teacher never gave us the test back. Of course, that was fine with me; outta sight, outta mind, you know! And more importantly, mom and dad wouldn't know, either.
Anyway, the other day I was surfin' the internet and came across a question that gave me a multiple choice answer. I clicked on the answer I thought correct and up popped an IQ test. Well, I figured I had learned a little since those bygone days, so I decided to take the test. Before I finished though, I was feelin' the same ol' feelin's as I did back when! And since there wasn't a teacher standin' in front of me wavin' a meter stick, I gave 'em a severe tongue lashin' as I went through the test.
Here are some of the questions and the answers made available.
John likes 400 but not 300; he likes 100 but not 99; he likes 3600 but not 3700. Which does he like? 900, 1000, 1100, or 1200?
NASA received three messages in a strange language from a distant planet. The scientists studied the messages and found that "Necor Buldon Slock" means "Danger Rocket Explosion" and "Edwan Mynor Necor" means "Danger Spaceship Fire" and "Buldon Gimilzor Gondor" means "Bad Gas Explosion". What does "Slock" mean? Danger, Explosion, Nothing, Rocket, or Gas?
If some Wicks are Slicks, and some Slicks are Snicks, then some Wicks are definitely Snicks. The statement is: True, False, or Neither?
Ann is taller than Jill, and Kelly is shorter than Ann. Which of the following statements would be most accurate? Kelly is taller than Jill, Kelly is shorter than Jill, Kelly is as tall as Jill, or It's impossible to tell?
If all Zips are Zoodles, and all Zoodles are Zonkers, then all Zips are definitely Zonkers. The above sentence is logically: True, False, or Neither?
Zips, zoodles, and zonkers?? As you can see, the questions had multiple choice answers, but they still didn't give me the answer I think should apply. For example, I think they should have given as a choice to the above as "depends on what one has been smokin'!"
Another example: In a race from point X to point Y and back, Jack averages 30 miles per hour to point Y and 10 miles per hour back to point X. Sandy averages 20 miles per hour in both directions. If Jack and Sandy begin the race at the same time, who will finish first? Jack, Sandy, They tie, Neither, or It's impossible to tell?
Obviously there should be the choice of "depends on whether or not they are using steroids".
Two cars start off at the same point on a straight highway facing opposite directions. Each car drives for 6 miles, takes a left turn, and drives for 8 miles. How far apart are the two cars? 2 miles, 11 miles, 14 miles, 20 miles, or 26 miles?
To me, it depends on whether they are drivin' on Louisiana or Texas roads. You see, in Louisiana, we have to dodge so many pot holes and dead animals that our mile can easily turn into two.
Anyway, at the end of the test they said I was a "Word Warrior", which, I guess, means they understood the "words" I was usin' while takin' their test! That language, coupled with warrior-like manerisms and jestures made for the Word Warrior label.
Although the result today may have been similar to the first one, I don't think I could have gotten away with bein' a Word Warrior back in my early school days.
Galen White lives in Homer.