Minden Press-Herald

Sep 30th

Getting to the Meat of the Matter

I've never known a true vegan. Apparently they stick to their artichokes as ardently as the Duck Dynastyites stick to their calls.

Meet Steven Patrick Morrissey, the British singer and lyricist who left the 1980s band The Smiths to launch a solo career as simply, Morrissey. His music is known for dark stories of doom, despair and misery.

Until Tuesday, his name was not a household utterance. After his decision to cancel a scheduled appearance on ABC's "Jimmy Kimmel Live" he has entered a heady world which guarantees more recognition than even he might desire.

Why, you ask, would Morrissey turn down the opportunity to drone his banality on a very popular nighttime show? Simply put, he could not "morally be on a television program where the cast members of 'Duck Dynasty' will also be guests." What possible reason could Morrissey have for not wanting to share the stage with the loveable Robertson clan?

"As far as my reputation is concerned, I can't take the risk of being on a show alongside people who, in effect, amount to animal serial killers," Morrissey said in a statement released to an adoring public. "If Jimmy cannot dump 'Duck Dynasty' then we must step away."

Not only did Morrissey step away, he stepped in it. The duck callers were not dumped. They appeared and Kimmel, using the wit which has moved him to prime time competition with Letterman and Leno, proceeded to dump on the singer.

"There's a very good reason why I didn't dump 'Duck Dynasty,'" the host explained. "It's because they have guns and Morrissey doesn't." Kimmel later commented that this is just another way Morrissey has "disappointed us."

Awww. Isn't it grand that a meat hater can get right to the meat of the matter when giving us an insight into the thinking of a radical vegan. As I said earlier, I've not known a true vegan but I have been around vegetarians. They're as different as tofu and hamburger. Vegetarians forgive us for our meaty sins; vegans behold us in scorn and hold us in contempt.

These Robertson guys simply go about their business of living like 99.9 percent of us rednecks. They love their family, love their work and genuinely love their duck hunting. It's a meaty proposition when an average musician slaps the serial killer tag on your average sportsman. I love the duck hunt and the challenge. I love the way the unfortunate slow flyers taste in The Fabulous One's super gumbo.

What I don't love is the superior attitude some in the entertainment community display at every opportunity. I'm quite sure Morrissey scored lots of points with the activist crowd, not just vegans. Maybe his heroic stance will convince "actor" Daryl Hannah to climb a tree in his yard and turn the ground below into a toxic waste dump.

Now here's what would really be cool: Morrissey's singling out of the Duckers inspires some PETA types to travel to West Monroe, sneak onto the Robertson property and chain themselves to a duck blind. Wonder how Miss Kay would prepare PETA pie?

A peeve if you please

I am growing more than a little tired of some words in the American language. Here's a sample conversation overheard more times than your humble observer can count. After reading, you tell me which words give me a headache.

"Like, I called him and he goes, 'what?' and I go 'like, you know, you actually called me first' and he goes 'like when?' and I go 'like, you know, um, actually yesterday,' and like, he didn't like remember actually like calling, you know."

Like, you know, actually it's probably just me getting old and cranky. Forgive me for, like, you know, hoping to actually understand what's happening to the art of intelligent conversation. Like, you know, when Congress speaks.

Pat Culverhouse is a journalist and political columnist who lives in Minden. You may contact him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .






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